


I'm Tired of Washing My Hands

by orphan_account



Series: S**t Ton of Langst Based on Songs [1]
Category: Julien Baker (Musician), Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Based on a song, Drug Abuse, Gen, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Julien Baker - Freeform, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Langst, slight klance but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 07:22:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17219471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I'm bad at summaries but I'll try: In which Lance goes out with friends, drinks too much, passes out, and thinks about suicide.Title and inspiration came from "Go Home" by Julien Baker.





	I'm Tired of Washing My Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first work of Langst, so please be kind to me. I know it's not really that great and I'm sorry but I tried.  
> The title and inspiration come from Julien Baker's song, "Go Home." Oh God, that song. You should listen to it.  
> This is a song fic, so I scattered the lyrics throughout it. If it's lyrics, it'll be italicized, no matter what. For this reason, thoughts will look more like this. 'Thought.'  
> Oh, and there are references to other songs scattered, too. If you can pick up on them, tell me. I wanna see if anyone can catch them😉  
> Just some trigger warnings: There's cursing, mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and drug/alcohol abuse. If you get triggered by any of these, please don't read💛
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ~Amelia  
> P.S. I have an Instagram writing account, if you'd like to follow: ameliarae_writing

 

***this is in Lance's POV, btw💙***

_I went walking again, I'll go out and forget to tell any of my friends where I'm going..._

I set down the last shot and stood up from the barstool. Pidge and Allura were in the bathroom, Hunk was chatting with a girl who I think introduced herself as Shay, Keith was smoking somewhere, and Shiro was sitting in the car listening to one of his podcasts, so no one would see me leave.

I just need to walk. I mumbled quick "excuse me"s as I stumbled through the crowded club. Pushing past drunk men flirting with ladies I'd usually stand up for, I finally reached the door. My head was throbbing and all I could think about was the fact that my friends probably wouldn't even notice I was gone. Maybe Hunk would. Maybe. 

Would they notice if I was gone permanently?

I thought I heard my name. I turned to look, but I didn't see anyone. Then again my vision was blurry as fuck, so I don't really think I know. And it could have been one of my hundreds of hallucinations, but I thought I saw a flash of red before I turned back around.

My head started throbbing even more as I thought of all the things I could do to myself, and all the things I already had. I lifted my arm close to my face and looked at all the scars and pinpricks. 'God, everything's so blurry,' I thought. I started to get dizzy.

_I'm just drunk on the side of the road in a ditch..._

I walked to a lamp post and sunk down to the pavement. It was slightly dented, like someone crashed their car into it.

'Ha,' I thought. 'I should try that.'

I felt a small vibration in my pocket. I took out my phone with shaky hands and held it closely to my face. 

**bIBLe sTuDY**

**PODGE:** hey, have you guys seen Lance?

**to entice, attract:** we haven't seen him since we went to the bathroom!

**CAKE BOSS:** wait, he's gone?

**CAKE BOSS:** SHIT HE IS!

**Takashi Shirogane:** you lost him?

 

I sighed and clicked my phone off. "They're gonna come looking for me," I mumbled, shoving my hand in my pocket and pulling out a package of cigarettes. I searched for my lighter, of course in vain.

"Shit, lended it to Keith," I sighed, leaning back against the lamp post. My head throbbed even more. I heard my phone go off several more times but I didn't bother to check it. 

I threw my pack of cigarettes on the ground. My heartbeat sped up and I felt myself get that feeling, that emptiness that comes upon you like waves upon the sand, crashing down and filling your lungs before drowning you entirely. That sadness, that longing for home that you only get in the worst of times, like when you're drunk as hell and sitting against a dented lamp post.

Why am I the most poetic when drunk?

And then they came. The tears, the tears of regret. Regretting what? God knows.

God. God. God...

"Damn, can a guy get a break?" I said to the sky, laughing cynically. "Take me home, man. Let me go home." I tried to stand up but my legs wouldn't move, my arms hung limp at my sides.

_...when you find me..._

"LANCE!" A voice screamed. I looked up and a blur stood before me. It seemed to be doubled over, heaving for breath, as though it had been running.

"Oh god, we thought... we thought we'd lost you," the voice repeated. I continued to cry. 

"Keith?" I mumbled.

"Yeah buddy, I'm here," the blur, now identified as Keith, said, crouching down to get to my level. "I've been running after you since you left the club," he chuckled.

I lifted my arms just high enough to wipe the tears away from my face. I hung my head as Keith pulled out his phone, quickly dialing a number.

"Shiro?" He said, standing back up. "I found him."

Cries that I could just barely hear came from the other line. Keith said a few more words that I couldn't quite make out, hung up the phone, and leaned down to me again.

"Can you stand?" I could barely make out what he was saying by now.

_"I wanna go home, but I'm sick,"_ I mumbled.

"I'm going to repeat myself. Can you stand?" he repeated. I slowly shook my head. 

_There's more whiskey than blood in my veins, more tar than air in my lungs..._ I thought. It was almost true, but I could feel myself lacking air. A lot. 

_The strung out call I make, burned down on the edge of the highway..._

_"I'm sorry for asking,"_ I sighed, looking at the sky again,  _"but please, come take me home."_  

At this point I couldn't tell if I was talking more to Keith or to God, but only one really responded. 

"Alright, come on," Keith mumbled, seeming more to himself than me. My vision went back for a moment, and I felt myself being lifted. I started to cry again, but I could feel my face turned upwards in a mirthless smile.

"It's gonna be okay Lance," he repeated.

 

Everything went black.

 

******** 

 

My vision came back right as Keith was carrying me to the coffin I called my apartment.

"Hey, you don't happen to have your key, do you?" He asked.

"Unlocked," I mumbled, looking up at him. Everything was still a little blurry, but now I could make out his violet eyes a little better.

"What kind of idiot," he chuckled, turning the doorknob, "Leaves their door unlocked like that?"

_I quit talking again..._

I merely stumbled into the bathroom and shut the door. I heard Keith's footsteps speed up, but I quickly locked the door. I slid down onto the linoleum floor and sighed.

"Lance?" Keith yelled from the other side of the door. "Come on, you should get to bed!"

I looked back up at the sky and sighed. 'Great,' I thought. 'Now, two of them, _listening to see if I sleep or pierce my skin_.'  **(author's note: i did cut that lyric a little to make it fit. sorry Julien ;-;)**

I stood up and unlocked the door. It swung open, showing that Keith had been jiggling on the handle.

"Come on, you gotta go to sleep," he sighed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding me to my bedroom. I slowly walked with him. I looked quietly looked down at my arms again.

Keith stopped walking. He must have seen the glimmer of a blade, or something. 

"Lance-"

_"Needles to the worn out rags,"_ I mumbled.

"The hell does that mean?" He almost yelled. "Whatever, we'll talk about it in the morning."

I kept walking. 

_...the folds in my arms, the sickening black..._

'Wish I could stop looking at my stupid arms,' I thought.

I sighed.  _"I haven't been taking my meds,"_ I mumbled.  _"Lock all the cabinets."_

I still stumbled in the dark for my bed. 

_Send me to bed..._

As soon as I made out the blurred shape, I flopped down, face first. Keith sat on the foot of the bed and put his head in his hands. 

"Dammit, dammit lance," I heard him mumble. He sounded more broken than I ever thought Keith Kogane could possibly sound.

_'Cause I know you're still worried I'm gonna get scared, 'cause I'm alone again and I don't like the things I see..._

 

********

 

I woke up in the middle of the night. I quickly sat up and looked around.

"Where..." I mumbled. Keith seemed to have fallen asleep on the floor. 

The wave of emptiness washed back over me.

I stumbled out of my bed and into the kitchen.

_And I haven't been taking my meds..._

"Lance?" I heard a mumble.

_So lock all the cabinets, send me to bed..._

I felt my stomach lurch.

_'Cause I know you're still worried, I'm gonna get scared and make my insides clean with your kitchen bleach..._

"LANCE!"

I fiddled with the cabinet doors, all of which were locked.

My stomach lurched again. I hurried into the bathroom and leaned over the sink.

_...but I've kissed enough bathroom sinks to make up for the lovers that never loved me..._

I heard Keith's footsteps stop. He rushed over to my side as I turned on the faucet and worked to splash water over the sludge I'd ejected.

"Don't worry about it, I'll get it, you go back to bed," Keith said. I don't know what happened, it was another wave, but I started to cry.

I fell down onto the hard linoleum and began to sob.

_...and I know my body's just dirty_ clothes...

 

Keith sunk down on his knees and put his hands on my shoulders. "Hey, Lance, come on, it's okay."

I shook my head. 

_"I'm tired of washing my hands,"_ I cried.  _"God I wanna go home."_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**(sorry for the rushed ending. i hope you enjoyed!!!!💛💛💛 also, here's the link to the song:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ab2DcvC1ns **)**


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